SF Gate: Celebrations of Life Create Special Memories for Families
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From Lindsey - Thank you to SF Gate for your thoughtful article and to the family for allowing me to plan such a wonderful celebration of life for your amazing husband, father, and friend.
The day you say goodbye to a loved one shouldn’t be one of the most amazing days of your life, but Joyce Acda might say you’re wrong.
It was not that Acda and her three children are not grieving the nearly unbearable loss of her husband and their father, Chris Peña, who was killed in a still-unsolved hit-and-run accident while riding to his home in the Hayward Hills from work on Sept. 6.
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It’s just that Acda knew her husband.
“He was happy, always full of joy and making other people laugh,” she said. “He had said to me, ‘When I go, I want it to be a party with ’80s music and fun.’”
So several months after the shock and deep grieving had lessened — and Acda had time to plan — she gave her husband his party, a grand celebration of life attended by 200 people at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos.
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A Growing Ritual
A celebration of life is not a new concept, but their popularity is growing in the U.S., said Lindsey Nickel, owner of Lovely Day Legacies in Napa, which specializes in putting together these important gatherings.
“The death ritual has been sacred for centuries, and many people find comfort in it,” Nickel said. “However, so many funerals and other rituals are sad affairs — they may not bring all the closure a family needs. Celebrations of life are just that, celebrations of a life well-lived. And they give family members a happier memory about saying goodbye.”
With more religious ambiguity these days, Nickel said, many people tell their loved ones they don’t want a traditional memorial service.
“It fits the West Coast culture,” she said.
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She is quick to point out that many families do both: a smaller religious service, then a celebration of life when a few weeks or months have passed and a family is in a better frame of mind to celebrate.
That’s what Ken Cohen did after his wife of almost 49 years, Deborah, died suddenly from complications from Parkinson’s disease in June.
“It’s not that we aren’t religious,” Cohen said. “Deb just didn’t want a somber event.”
Cohen chose a small ballroom at Berkeley’s Claremont Club & Spa for the occasion several months later for Deborah’s celebration of life, an event that drew nearly 100 people for the longtime labor and delivery nurse’s final party.
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The beloved nurse participated in the births of thousands of babies, mentored student nurses, and was such a positive force at Eden Medical Center that friends and colleagues created a fundraiser to name one of the delivery rooms after her.
Cohen and his three grown daughters believed the celebration of life was “the right thing to do,” and he said she would have loved the party. Himself a retired hospital administrator, Cohen was blown away by the doctors, nurses, and other medical staff who attended.
“It was just wonderful, and everyone had happy, funny stories to tell about Deb,” he said. “We saw people in a much more enjoyable manner than we would have right after her death.”
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His son-in-law put together a moving video tribute to Deborah, and in Cohen’s words, the entire event “was a few hours of humanity, a chance for us to connect with people who loved her, too.”
What he remembers most, however, was how he felt his wife’s presence there.
“I looked out over the bay and saw the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen,” he said. “I knew then her essence was there with us.”
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Reflecting the Spirit of the Deceased
When considering how to honor her late husband, Acda wavered on holding a celebration of life over a more traditional ritual. She talked it over with two daughters, ages 21 and 19, and her 16-year-old son.
“I was full of doubts, but ultimately, it felt right,” she said. “We all agreed that’s what Dad would have wanted.”
Acda wanted to reflect the adventurous and fun-loving attitude of her tech executive husband, who loved mountain biking, dirt bikes, tinkering with things, and the aviation industry. That’s why when she found out the Hiller Museum did events, it solidified her decision. The event was a poignant, funny success, she said.
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“People were able to fill out cards about their favorite memories of Chris, and now we as a family have those to enjoy,” she said. “It was like it was meant to be.”
The planning process was difficult but also “therapeutic” for her, Acda said, especially when she decided to hire Nickel.
“It was a way to honor Chris,” she said. “And yes, we played ’80s music and had a great time.”
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And that’s the secret to a successful celebration of life — honoring the deceased in ways they would have wanted, Nickel said. Some families she has worked with have their celebrations already planned out by the deceased, a growing trend for many aging baby boomers or those suffering from terminal illnesses.
There are many different ways to hold a celebration of life, and many people include scattering ashes as part of the gathering. Some families might have a ceremony and scatter ashes of a loved one at a favorite park while others might meet for a boat ride on the bay. Be sure, however, to check in advance if the practice of scattering ashes is allowed at the location. And sorry Giants fans, it is not allowed at Oracle Park.
Another celebration of life trend is to hold them at a restaurant, from a favorite neighborhood haunt like Rocco’s Ristorante Pizzeria in Walnut Creek to the trendy Foreign Cinema in San Francisco.
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Many families take the money they would spend on a funeral to put toward a favorite charity, create a scholarship fund, erect a bench at a park or, like for Deborah Cohen, name a birthing room in a hospital in her honor.
It was in that room a couple of months after her death where the devoted grandmother of three girls’ first grandson was born.
That is a true celebration of life.
This article, written by Peggy Spear, was originally published on SFGate.com
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